Caught between two stools

THE LIFE OF RYAN: Comedian John Ryan meets a man who is ignoring the bleeding obvious.

John Ryan I perform health based comedy shows across the country and that is how I came to meet James. After some small talk he explained that he sometimes had blood in his stools. ‘Sometimes’ turned out to be for the previous six weeks.

I asked about the colour and he told me that he thought I was sick.

'I don’t look at my poo, that’s disgusting!' he exclaimed.

I explained that if it was fresh red blood it would mean something different to darker stools. Maybe I should invent a colour chart, like the one’s that come with paint. It would have to be simple for blokes to understand. I persuaded him to go to the doctor. A small step but nonetheless vital. We need to do something to combat the rise in bowel cancer.

It has been suggested that the increase is due to 'western' diets and lifestyles - such as high red meat consumption and low levels of exercise. That’s enough to make you want to sit down and have a comforting steak sandwich.

A dog's life

In Japan scientists have trained Labradors that can detect Bowel Cancer from sniffing stools. I am sure that the animal rights people would have something to say about that. But sniffing is what dogs do best isn’t it?

In this country we prefer the Faecal Occult Blood Test which allows the doctor to see if there has been bleeding occurring somewhere in your gastrointestinal tract. Checking out what is leaving your body is a good way of seeing what is happening on the inside. I guess it is the same as paparazzi looking through celebrity rubbish bags left outside for clues to what is going on inside the house.

The test means that someone has to examine your stools. This should make you feel better because from then on no matter how awful you think your job is, you will be comforted in the knowledge that someone else has to examine poo for a living.

Bowel problems no turn on

I bumped into James again and he explained that he had been to the GP. The female doctor wanted to examine him internally but, 'I was scared that I might get aroused' he said with a straight face.

He had spoken with his brother and asked 'have you ever had a finger up your bottom?', his brother said 'yes' and added 'if done properly it is quite nice!' I think his brother may have confused a sexual act with an internal examination.

James waited anxiously on the examination couch; it was all over in a matter of seconds.

'How did it go?' I asked.

'No I didn’t get turned on!' he replied.

I must have looked puzzled because he quickly added that the doctor suggested that it might be a dietary problem. 'Probably impacted in there from all the sandwiches and stodge I eat'. He laughed.

His fear of being examined by a doctor meant that he had been bleeding from constipation. Was he stupid, ignorant or just a typical example of modern man. Whatever the answer, a simple trip to the doctors was all it took to sort it out.