Tom: 'the life of a porn addict can be very unhealthy'

Many alcoholics or ex-drug addicts are happy to share their experiences to help others. This is not the case with obsessive pornography use. Tom Buford, who drove the tour-bus for some of the biggest rock stars in the USA, is something a rarity. The former pornography addict has set up a website manontheroad to help others with the same problem.

MH: how did you realise you were an addict and what treatments did you seek?

Tom: You'll find some info about my personal journey on my website. I never really thought of myself as being addicted, even though I was in terrible shape and my life was crumbling around me because of my excessive porn use. I never heard that there was such a thing as porn addiction until after I had overcome it. For some people it is a one day at a time journey toward healing. For others, it takes less time. Some addiction specialists believe the expression, 'Once an addict, always an addict.' I do not believe that. My personal experience proves to me the inaccuracy of that expression.

What do you think causes pornography addiction?

Many people are introduced to porn at an early age, some in playful interaction with other children who somehow gained access to their dads' stash of men's magazines, some via the internet. Others are introduced by unscrupulous people who use it to work their way toward abusing the child. Regardless of the manner in which they were first introduced to it, they become addicted by continued, more frequent use and most often in cases where masturbation is practiced with the porn.

What are the signs of addiction?

As with any addiction, the primary sign is when the substance, in this case porn, controls the person rather than the person controlling the substance. Critically addicted men or women will use porn regardless of the cost to their finances, relationships, family, or religious convictions.

Is there such a thing as healthy pornography use?

You will sometimes hear marriage counselors state that couples whose relationships are suffering can help themselves by viewing porn together. While doing so on rare occasions may not cause serious problems, I see no need to play with fire. Why introduce other people into the bedroom? Those other people may be there physically only in the movie, but they will be there, possibly forever, in the minds of the people viewing the movie.

Will all users eventually end up as addicts?

No, they won't.

Where do other aspects of the sex industry - lap dancing clubs etc - fit in?

Those things are nothing more than live porn.

What can be done to protect men from porn addiction - should laws change?

I don't know anything about such laws in the UK. However, in spite of the convictions that I have concerning the use of porn, I do not believe it is up to the government to tell adults what they can and cannot read or view. Laws need to be in place to help protect children. But what I would really like to see is for men to have the desire to save themselves, mentally and physically, for their spouses or future spouses and not to share their sexual lives with others, whether physically or in the fantasy world.

Is it only men affected?

No, women are also affected, and in my opinion, in growing numbers.

Is porn a moral problem - something that corrupts and exploits both men and women - or a health one?

Yes, to all. It can be extremely corrupting and exploitative of both men and women. The life of a porn addict can also be a very unhealthy one. Ask anyone who has hung out in the dark backrooms of a porn theatre or in the stalls of a porn shop. Such places are breeding ground for disease, to say nothing of the social, relational, and mental decay that is fostered in such places.

You say religion played a big part in your recovery, what's the hope for non-believers?

It would be a mistake to suggest that a person will absolutely find freedom from the addiction simply because he holds to a religious faith. In fact, the average addicted man - believer and non-believer alike - never finds complete freedom.

It is my opinion (and one that is borne out by conversations with hundreds of men over the past few years) that the best that the average person realistically hopes for is to be able to control the addiction and the behaviour that feeds it. Admittedly, to a person whose life has been torn apart by the addiction, the ability to control his behaviour is a monumental thing. But how much better would it be if the person did not have to live his life constantly on the lookout, living in fear that failure is just one wrong thought away?

There are secular programs available. But I know of none that expresses the belief that an addiction can become a thing of the past. "Once an addict, always and addict" seems to be the common mindset.

What should a man do if he is worried about his use of porn?

Get help. A person will only find freedom from the addiction if he is willing to do whatever is necessary to find that freedom. The road to freedom is not an easy one. But if he wants to badly enough, the addict can leave his past behind.

The answers in this interview are the opinions of Tom Buford alone - not necessarily those of malehealth or of other people working with porn addicts.

• Read more about porn addiction on malehealth