Emotional health
Be positive about all your emotions
Identify the beliefs behind your feelings
Challenging and changing your beliefs
PLUS:
- The man who learned to slow down
- Why is positive thinking so difficult?
- How listening to your body clock can make you tick
Have your say about emotional health
Are you emotionally healthy?
Men are often much better at looking after their physical well-being than their emotional well-being. That matters, because emotional health is important for its own sake and is also closely linked to your physical health.
To assess your own level of emotional health, answer "Yes" or "No" to each of the following statements:
- I often feel emotionally "numb", as if nothing can affect me, not even the death of someone close to me
- I sometimes get really embarrassed, ashamed or angry with myself about the way that I feel
- I feel really uncomfortable about crying in front of other people and tend to avoid it wherever possible
- Most of the time I just don't know what I feel
- When I get angry with people, I tend to bottle it in and/or explode rather than tell them how I feel
- I sometimes feel like I am being taken over by my emotions and that I can't control how I behave
- I try very hard to be positive about life but somehow negative feelings keep on seeping back
If you have answered "Yes" to one or more of these statements, your emotional well-being may be in need of some attention. This section of Malehealth explains how you can take significant steps towards improving your emotional health. Click here for a fuller test of your emotional IQ.
What is emotional health?
Some people think that being emotionally healthy simply means feeling positive. But:
- it just isn't possible to feel good all the time, because feelings such as anxiety, sadness and anger are all very natural and healthy responses to often unavoidable life-events
- if you try to force yourself to feel good, the negative feelings tend to go "underground" and then re-surface when you least expect them to
- if you believe you should be feeling happy all the time, then when those "negative" feelings do re-surface, you may start to feel bad about feeling bad, feel worse about that, and spiral down into a cycle of self-blame and depression.
Emotional health, then, is not about feeling good all the time. Rather, it's about respecting your emotions — all of them — and accepting that they're all part of a healthy and colourful existence.
Many men find this difficult, largely because they've been brought up to believe that they should control their feelings — particularly feelings like sadness, fear and vulnerability — and be tough and unemotional at all times. Because feelings won't go away, however, men can end up experiencing a wide range of emotional problems, including those listed above.
By contrast, if men can develop a more amiable relationship with their emotions, then they're likely to feel:
- a greater sense of self-acceptance and self-worth
- calmer and less concerned about how they'll respond in different situations
- more satisfied with their life and relationships
- more in control of their behaviour
- more alive and invigorated — more able to live life to the full
- healthier — studies have shown that men who are willing to express their feelings have stronger immune systems and are less susceptible to diseases such as heart disease, asthma, and arthritis.
Be positive about all your emotions
The first step towards greater emotional well-being is to come to understand that all emotions — from joy to rage to grief — are valuable. Most people tend to think of feelings as either "good" (like happiness) or "bad" (like anxiety or sadness). But the reality is that there aren't any "bad" feelings — they are just feelings that are very painful or uncomfortable because they really want to grab our attention.
To get some sense of how you evaluate emotions, try writing down a list of feelings you do like and a list of feelings you don't like. Then, for the feelings that you don't like, try and see if you can think of any reasons why these emotions may be valuable to you. For instance, you might dislike feeling angry, but realise that it's a useful way of ensuring that you're not treated unjustly.
In developing a more positive attitude towards all your feelings, you may find it helpful to remember the following:
- Every emotion is there for a reason — if it wasn't, your body wouldn't bother to generate it.
- There can be a big difference between how you feel and how you behave. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you inevitably have to act in a certain way. It's possible to feel and express anger, for example, without becoming violent or abusive.
- Without "negative" feelings it wouldn't be possible to experience positive feelings. In the words of the Lebanese philosopher Kahlil Gibran, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain".
Get to know your feelings
By accepting and respecting all your feelings, it becomes possible to develop a much deeper understanding of what you feel on a day-to-day basis. After all, it isn't possible to get to know something that you're constantly trying to push away.
It's important to get to know your feelings because it helps you to identify what you really think about and feel towards things. When we're emotionally unaware, we can find it hard to understand clearly many of our thoughts and feelings, and we can end up behaving in ways which are irrational and unconstructive, which we later regret, or which are inconsistent with our values and beliefs.
One way to develop a greater awareness of your feelings is simply to ask yourself every so often "What am I feeling now?" or "What was I feeling when so-and-so happened?" You may also find it useful to keep a diary of your emotional ups-and-downs. It can be particularly insightful, however, to focus on times when you are, or have been, behaving in ways that you don't fully understand (e.g. when you start behaving aggressively towards your partner or children).
When reflecting on your feelings at these times, you may find it useful to try to describe them in the broadest possible way. Ask yourself questions like:
- Who, or what, was I feeling the feeling towards?
- What was the feeling like in my body?
- What would the feeling look like if it was an image?
(Some people actually find it useful to draw or paint their feelings as a way of developing a greater awareness of what they were experiencing.)
Try to stay at a descriptive level, initially at least, rather than attempting to explain "why" you felt the way you did. Sometimes looking for explanations moves you away from the actuality of what you were experiencing.
Talk to others about what your feelings — it can encourage you to describe your feelings more fully. However, make sure you talk to people who:
- accept your emotions and don't start judging you for how you feel;
- are able to listen to you talk about "negative" feelings without reassuring you or telling you that "It's all going to be all right";
- trust you to be the best judge of your emotions, and don't try to tell you what you're "really" feeling.
Identify the beliefs behind your feelings
Once you are more aware of your feelings, you may want to try to understand how you came to feel that way.
All feelings have thoughts behind them, so think about the kinds of thoughts that were running through your head that may have led you to feel in the way you did. For instance, if you felt angry towards your partner for not talking to you at a party, you may have been thinking, "She just doesn't seem to care about me at all." Keep on trying to broaden out your understanding of what you were thinking until you can really understand why you felt the way that you did — even if, at a more rational level, you can see that some of your beliefs don't really make sense.
Challenging and changing your beliefs
In some cases you may come to the conclusion that the beliefs on which your feelings are based are not really rational. For instance, you may notice that you are thinking in "all-or-nothing" terms ("If she doesn't talk to me for one evening, then she must hate me completely"), or that your beliefs are based on previous experiences rather than the current reality.
If you find this to be the case, it can be tempting to give yourself a hard time for holding irrational beliefs and simply write off these beliefs as "stupid". However, if you hold these beliefs, it's because at some level you really believe them to be true, so you will need to give yourself time to really think through them and slowly re-evaluate how you see things.
One of the best ways for you to do this is to start to behave in ways that will show you that your previous beliefs are wrong. For instance, if you have always believed that you would be jeered at and ridiculed if you tried to talk in public, then giving it a go is the best way of proving to yourself that this isn't the case. Telling people how you feel towards them, and listening to how they feel towards you, is also an excellent way of challenging irrational beliefs. You can have no better proof, for instance, that your partner can talk to other people for a whole evening and still love you, than if she tells you this herself.
Act on your feelings
If the beliefs on which your feelings are based do seem to make sense, then you may want to turn to your feelings as a guide to dealing with situations and people. For instance, if you find out that your frequent night-time anxiety attacks are caused by a profound hatred of your job, then you might want to think about changing your employment.
Similarly, if you feel something very strongly towards another person, and are clear that there is a sound basis for feeling this way, then you may want to tell him or her what you are experiencing. This, of course, is never easy, but there are ways in which you can ensure that the process is as productive and conflict-free as possible
How to tell people what you feel about them
Getting help
At times you may feel that you just can't cope with your emotions on your own, or wonder if you are experiencing one of the more severe forms of mental distress, such as depression, panic attacks, or phobias.
If this happens there's no shame in turning to a professional for help. Indeed, asking for help is often the most courageous thing that a man can do, particularly as men are brought up to believe that they should be able to cope with things on their own. It's worth remembering that most people find that once they start receiving professional help, they get over their sense of embarrassment or shame relatively quickly.
Helplines
If you urgently want to talk to someone about your emotional difficulties, and are feeling despairing or suicidal, you may want to contact:
- The Samaritans
Web site: www.samaritans.org
Tel: 08457 909090
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
- SANELINE
Tel: 0345 678 000
Your GP
If you're experiencing ongoing emotional distress that seems to require more than a listening ear, talking to your GP is probably the best step you can take. Your GP should have some understanding of the difficulties you are experiencing, and be aware of the various options that are available to you.
Your GP may:
- Prescribe you medication: this may not get to the root of the problem, but it's likely to reduce the intensity of your feelings and may help you to engage with psychotherapy or counselling more effectively.
- Refer you to a counsellor/psychotherapist. These are people who can help you to become more aware of your feelings and beliefs and find more satisfying ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. The terms "counsellor" and "psychotherapist" are often used interchangeably, although a psychotherapist tends to be someone who has been trained for longer and who works at a greater level of emotional depth over a longer period of time.
- Refer you to a clinical psychologist. This is someone who is psychologically rather than medically trained, and will do much the same thing as a counsellor/psychotherapist. However, clinical psychologists tend to be more proactive in their approach: giving you "homework", encouraging you to try out new behaviours, and challenging you to reconsider some of your deeply held beliefs.
- Refer you to a psychiatrist. This is someone who is medically trained and will make a more detailed medical assessment of your difficulties. They may then suggest medication, or refer you on to a counsellor/psychotherapist or clinical psychologist.
Private counselling and psychotherapy
The alternative to seeing a counsellor or psychotherapist through your GP is to see someone privately. The disadvantage here is that you will have to pay, and the going rate for therapists is about £20—35 per hour. When you go privately, there's also a greater danger that you will end up seeing someone who's insufficiently qualified and may end up doing more harm than good.
However, the advantages of seeing a therapist privately are that you are likely to be able to see someone straight away, that you will be able to see them for as long as you like, and that you will have more choice over who you see.
Before deciding on who to work with, you may want to arrange initial meetings with a range of counsellors and psychotherapists (for which they may charge), to see who feels right for you.
Details of qualified therapists in your area can be obtained from:
British Association for Counselling
Web site: www.bac.co.uk
1 Regent Place
Rugby CV21 2PJ
Tel: 01788 578328
E-mail: bac@bac.co.uk
United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapists
Web site: www.psychotherapy.org.uk
167—169 Great Portland Street
London W1N 5FB
Tel: 020 7436 3002
E-mail: ukcp@psychotherapy.org.uk
Counselling Directory
www.counselling-directory.org.uk
Free, confidential and easy to use site enabling you to search for a counsellor, find out about types of distress, learn about the different approaches to counselling or just have a look at some statistics.
Back to Lifestyle and Stuff
By Dr Mick Cooper, Senior Lecturer in Counselling, University of Brighton. Co-author of The MANual: The Complete Man's Guide to Life.
Have your say about emotional health
Do you find it hard to deal with your feelings? Do you think men feel they must keep their emotions repressed? Or have you found a way to talk more openly about how you feel and to deal with any emotional problems? Tell us your tips, problems and thoughts about emotional health and we'll post them here. Please note, we cannot answer any queries posted here.
If you would like to ask a question about emotional health that will be answered by our panel of experts, please go to Ask The Doc.
Page created on May 9th, 2003
Page updated on December 1st, 2009
Football Fitness Challenge
Get our newsletter
Ask Scott
Your Tool-kit
