Penis enlargement: the big question answered

The UK's leading magazine for doctors, the British Medical Journal has answered the question that every man on the planet has asked himself at least once. Can you increase the size of your penis?

The doctor given the task of replying was John Bolton, a clinical fellow in urology at Bristol Royal Infirmary.

He confirmed that 'length can be added by division of the penile suspensory ligament that tethers the penis to the pubic arch. This sounds like a simple solution' — no, it sounds like a painful solution, John - 'but remember the ligament was there for a reason. Dividing it will allow the penis to fall away from the pubis, giving some length (a couple of centimetres), but at a loss of the normal angle at erection.' In other words, rather than standing up like a sentry, your erection will resemble on old drunk staggering into a head wind.

John points out: 'Also, this does not lengthen the skin, and so the peripenile pubic skin is often pulled onto the shaft of the penis, resulting in pubic hair growing from the penile shaft.' In common parlance, a hairy dick.

'Another surgical technique,' writes John, 'is "enhancement" of penile girth by the injection of harvested adipose tissue (fat) from elsewhere. This has significant risks of resulting in uneven, lumpy appearance, and patient satisfaction is not assured.' That is to say, your knob could end up with several knobs of its own.

John goes on: 'What is important to remember is that there is wide natural variation in penis size, as in height, weight, and many other human physical characteristics. Thus, what may seem small is probably normal. Surgery is fraught with uncertainties about results, and, like other forms of medically "unnecessary" cosmetic surgery, people often have unrealistic expectations and are disappointed as a result.'

He ends with a warning. 'And don't believe any advertisements found in the back of top shelf publications or try any "DIY" methods. They don't work. I have spent the odd night in accident and emergency trying to undo these "efforts"; it is embarrassing for the patient, and the penis is never larger, once the pain and swelling have subsided.' Stop, John, my eyes are watering.

So now you know. Now don't ask again and get on with your life.