The only cure is castration

Michael Howard has now joined the club of thin-on-top Tories beaten by the bouffant-bonced Tony Blair. In an age when appearance is everything, do we really discriminate against bald people? Why else would men be so worried about it? Jim Pollard has the bald facts.

Baldness figures prominently in the malehealth postbag – below penis problems but above six-packs. In fact, since I started writing about health, I reckon people have asked me more questions about male baldness than about everything else put together. ‘Why are you such a bald git?’ is how they usually put it.

How many people go bald?

Androgenic Alopecia (which is the medical term for baldness not a character in Star Wars) noticeably affects about 20 per cent of blokes by 30 and about 60 per cent by 50.

A Gallup survey of five European countries last year put Britain second in the baldness league behind Germany.

What causes it?

Testosterone. It increases body hair and reduces scalp hair. But baldness doesn’t necessarily mean you are some sort of 'Dr Lurve' producing above average amounts of the male hormone, it's simply a reflection of the way your body reacts to a normal amount. (Not that you need to tell your hairy headed mates this.)

Men who go bald on the crown (the top of the head) rather than at the front may be at slightly greater risk of heart disease - if you’re one of these, it’s worth avoiding the other risks which means watching your weight, cholesterol levels and blood pressure, taking exercise and avoiding the fags.

Will I go bald?

Very likely if your male ancestors on both sides of your family were also bald. Half of white men inherit from their fathers.

What prevents baldness?

The best way to avoid it is to be castrated before puberty.

If you don’t fancy this there’s not much on offer although a so-called prostate-friendly diet might help. That means plenty of foods high in zinc. Seafood is probably your best source as too much of many of the other high-zinc foods such as nuts, dairy products and meat may bring their own health problems like heart disease. More serious than baldness, I’d say. Of course, there can be health risks with some seafood especially when raw or not cooked properly. Too much zinc isn’t a good idea either!

Is there a cure?

Not really. Down the years, pretty much everything has been tried. (The ancient Greek doctor Hippocrates favoured pigeon droppings.)

Interest is currently strong in good old-fashioned skin cells. Skin cells known as fibroblasts are being used to treat burns victims and also reduce lines and wrinkles on the face. Now, according to Chemistry & Industry magazine, researchers hope the technique could be developed to tackle baldness, reduce stretch marks and treat gum disease.

At the moment, there are two drugs available - Minoxidil (sold as Regaine) and Finesteride (Propecia). Click here for more details. Some people do report some success with these but not everyone is convinced. An expert survey for Which? magazine in 1999 concluded that 'lotions claiming to restore or prevent hair loss are unlikely to be effective'.

Whatever you do, discuss it with your doctor first rather than some private clinic you’ve spotted advertising somewhere. Which? also investigated hair clinics. The result? Bad advice from consultants without recognised qualifications quoting surgery prices running into thousands - enough to make anyone's hair fall out.

A report by the House of Commons All Party Parliamentary Group on Skin published in the same year also found examples of fraud. One chain of clinics in London and 13 other UK cities was found to be charging £1300 for initial treatment and £45 per week thereafter.

Save your money. You might be a slaphead but don’t be a dickhead too.

Boosting blood flow to your gleaming dome might help hair growth so have a gentle massage. For the same reason you could try hanging upside down - very popular with the indisputably hairy orang-utan.

Why are men so worried about baldness?

Hard to say. Certainly the much-quited US research showing that the proportion of bald men holding elected office in the USA is four times less than the proportion of bald men in the population at large suggests that in the TV age bald blokes aren't popular with the voters. Perhaps its the way your pate glows under the studio lights. Here in the UK, no bald British prime minister has been elected since Churchill beat the equally bald Attlee in 1951. 

Is it discrimination? Or perhaps bald men don't tend to put themselves forward for elected office - a sign of good sense or lack of confidence, depending how you view politics.  

In the Gallup poll, three-quarters of men who had started losing their hair said they had lower self-esteem and two-thirds of them felt insecure. Half of the British men said starting going bald made them feel old and less attractive.

Yet zoologist Dr Desmond Morris who studies humans as animals reckons that it is a sign of virility. He says: ‘Because it is linked with high levels of sex hormones and because it increases with advancing age, it is obvious that baldness is a human display symbol indicating male dominance.’ Hmmm. Aristole thought much the same thing. Needless to say, Dr Morris is as dominant as a coot.

Maybe it’s because sometimes men don’t know what women want - yes, amazing but true. Because men are at their sexual peak at eighteen - an age when few men are bald, men assume that hair is a sign of virility and that loss of hair suggests loss of virility. Fair enough - but that assumes women see the same thing. They may actually be more interested in mature men and since baldness increases with age, baldness is clearly a sign of maturity (Homer Simpson notwithstanding.)

Whichever way it is, don’t worry about it. Stress diverts blood from the less essential areas like the scalp to the muscles and brain which will only worsen your slaphead tendencies.

If you’re worried about baldness think about what it really means. If your self respect depends on whether you average 600 hairs per centimetre of scalp or 400 or 200, it is probably your self-respect you should work rather than your hairline.

So forget that Bobby Charlton sweepover haircut, throw away the syrup and don’t get great turfs of hair sewn to your bonce. Keep it as short as you feel comforatable with. In a recent NOP survey in the USA, women aged 18-34 were particularly likely to find shaved heads attractive - 36% called them sexy All told, three-quarters of women said that most women found men with shaved heads sexy.

Think of all the money you’ll save at the hairdressers and enjoy your naked head. Unless you’re thinking about becoming prime minister, of course. Well, that’s got that off my chest. Now, where’s my hat?

Jim Pollard is editor of malehealth.
Image: National Park Service, USA.

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